[THS] Pentagon Develops New Chemical Weapon

[Peter Webster]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_chemical_weapon_ennui_gas

New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction
With Life

WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on
Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new
chemical weapon called "ennui gas," a nerve agent that overwhelms its
victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium
of human life and a sinking sense that everything they have ever
accomplished ultimately amounts to dust.

"When the enemy inhales the gas, he will immediately retreat to his
bedroom, lock the door, stare at the ceiling, pick idly at his
fingernails, and muse upon the similarities between fingernails and the
fragility of life," Defense Secretary Robert Gates said. "While he
broods over the futility of memory extinguished and the plaintive
whisper of existence unhaunted by all but nothingness, that is when we
strike."

"Given the enemy's state of mind, he will probably not even care," Gates
added.

Recently disclosed Pentagon documents indicate that the gas has a
dissemination radius of four to eight miles, and that neither protective
masks nor a positive outlook on life can prevent infection. Symptoms
include uncontrollable sighing, repeated utterances of the phrase
"What's the use?" a confusion and bitterness regarding one's place in
the universe, and an increased proclivity to listen to Lou Reed records.

If one's skin comes into contact with the agent, the physical effects
are more severe. These include a sudden numbing of the very soul, a
feeling that one is being crushed under the weight of the emptiness all
around him, and mild eye irritation.

"Seeing life through the watery lens of pain and hopelessness will
significantly weaken the enemy," Gates said.

More than half of those exposed to ennui gas will suffer some permanent
effects, including the tendency to view their existence not as a rich
tapestry woven by memory and experience, but as one transitory life's
insignificant brushstroke on the canvas of eternity.

The Pentagon has reportedly been developing the ennui gas for five
years, working alongside a team comprising molecular chemist Dr. Sigmund
Falstaff, chemical warfare expert Dr. Adrian T. Heinzig, and Dave
Eggers. Though they discovered early on that chloroethanol mixed with
nitric acid produces an intense disinterest in action, society, and the
world in general, it took three years to re-create the indescribable
longing condemned to remain unsatisfied. This vague sense of existential
angst was finally produced by synthesizing potassium sulfide with
phosphorus trichloronate.

According to the Pentagon, lower-grade ennui gas was tested as a
crowd-dispersal agent in Islamabad, Pakistan last year. Police reported
that within five minutes of releasing the toxin, the rioters abandoned
their protest and began penning lamenting odes to various species of
bird.

"I am nothing," said Sayid Al Nazer, one of those who was exposed to the
gas. "We are nothing."

Though critics allege that the gas violates the 1997 Chemical Weapons
Convention treaty, the U.S. claims the substance is legal because it is
not physically harmful. The military assured Amnesty International and
other human-rights groups that ennui gas causes no pain, save for the
pain of realizing that one has wasted his life.

As proof, Pentagon representative Byron Christie voluntarily inhaled a
small amount of ennui gas at a private press conference last week.

"Because ennui gas is a nonpersistent substance, it is highly probable
that its victims will someday feel whole again," said Christie, suddenly
furrowing his brow and gripping his temples. "Then again, no one is
truly whole, are they? We are all just pieces of flesh and bone
masquerading as life, and the world will go on without me, my absence
unnoticed, death as futile as life. Pain hath no sting, and pleasure's
wreath no flower."

Christie then lay down behind the podium and told members of the press
to leave, repeatedly stating that there is no point to it all.

Pentagon officials still refuse to comment on rumors that they are close
to completing an experimental mutagen that would transform its victims'
DNA into that of television star Kelsey Grammer.